Everything Will Be Okay
by bethisa
Summary: Addiction, drama, troubles finding yourself. Ang reflects on her friendship with Bella. Strangely enough, she wouldn't change a thing. She wouldn't give into addiction. She would wait for sunny days on the shores of California. Simply wait.


Isabella Swan. Ever since I heard of her, I always wanted to be her best friend. How could I not? She seemed to be perfect. Absolutely perfect. But of course, I just stayed to the side, smiling and nodding as Jessica gossiped and laughed. I stood by, faking a smile, as I sat by Jessica and Lauren, wishing I had real friends. It was shockingly easy, after all. I was naturally quiet, it was the way I'd been raised. When I didn't reply to Jessica soon enough, Lauren would for me. I didn't get along with Lauren -- we just barely tolerated each other -- but we had a slight understanding to each other. When Bella moved to the little hick town of Forks, Washington, I wanted to be friends with her. She seemed, real. Not like Jessica, or Lauren. She seemed down to earth, like someone I could easily get along with. But she was oh-so-intimidating. Jessica didn't even have the guts to talk to her. I figured it was the fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous. But absolutely unattainable. Not in the lesbian love kind of way, either. Just in the friend way. She mainly kept to herself. Mike was pulling teeth, trying to talk to her. It was a shock when he got her to sit by us at lunch; I figured she'd end up going to the bathrooms to eat like I used to. Well, then again, she was the talk of the school. I was just a quiet little bitch of a loser.

It's kind of hard to tell when our friendship started. Hell, it just happened. But, after we started to get to know one another a bit more, started to get a tad closer, I stopped messing with fire. The burn marks were still there, but they faded away with time. Bella had become my rock, in a way. She always knew just what to say; she gave great advice. I started to depend on her. Bella had become my reason to live, in a way. My family would be fine without me, I convinced myself. My mom loved my brothers better, anyway. My dad thought I was a complete and utter bitch. My brothers lived to put me down. My self confidence was literally in the toilet.

When Bella and Alice became best friends, I wasn't all too hurt. Hell, I was glad she found someone to open up to; she always seemed to hesitant to talk to me. They always texted each other, wrote notes to each other in class. I didn't mind, I was just lucky to be her friend. So, when I became pretty much best friends with Victoria, I didn't complain. She was nice, enough. She had a holier-than-thou attitude, which went strangely well with her fiery red hair and thin, model-like phisique. She made me feel fat, yes, but that was the depression kicking in. I didn't take pills for it, I just handled it. I kept telling myself, 'Bella will drop you, like everyone else did, if you do anything dumb'.

When Victoria started making comments, I thought nothing of it. 'Do you honestly think Bella's telling you the truth?' Victoria was friends with Bella before she left for Phoenix, back in sixth grade. I thought nothing of her comments, I thought she was just mad that Bella and Alice had become like sisters, and she was shoved to the side. 'You're really pretty, I just think you could lose some weight.' That had been one of the biggest confidence killers, ever.

That was the day I stopped eating so much. I picked at my lunch, yes, but Jessica and Lauren didn't notice. Fuck, none of them noticed. I was that invisible. Nobody noticed, that the days I ate lunch, I stayed in the bathroom, and came out with minty-fresh breath and wearing body spray that was obviously freshly sprayed. And, when I heard comments from a couple people about my clothing, I felt suddenly, like I needed to change that, too. By the middle of my Junior year, I looked like a completely different person. Glasses abandoned for contacts. Baggy shirts traded in for spaghetti strap tank tops that showed a bit more than I was used to. Baggy, hideous jeans replaced by skinny jeans. Chuck Taylor converse replacing my cheap, old Airwalk ones. My wardrobe had been given a face lift. So imagine what I did when I heard a couple people comment on my lifeless-looking hair, and my lack of makeup. After spring break, I came back with hair just past my boobs with perfectly toussled waves, and short side swept bangs. I was wearing eyeliner, and eyeshadow, hell, my zits were even covered up with foundation. I had on mascara that made my eyelashes look miles long. If you saw me at the beginning of the year, to near the end, you would've thought I was a completely different person. Hell, I wasn't even boring old Angela anymore. I was pretty, talkative, Ang. Jessica even went so far as to call me 'Angie'. Lauren glared at me from behind her sex toy of the month. I felt like I was finally a threat to these people; it felt horribly amazing.

And, through all the change, Bella and I got closer. When she told me she'd been cutting for nearly three years… Everything sort of slipped into place. I wanted to hurt myself for being so stupid as to not see this coming. I couldn't believe that all this time, I'd been so naïve as to think everything was okay. That my rock was indestructible and she would never do something I'd do. I felt so horrible… That I broke open a manual pencil sharpener, and slid it across my hand. I could hardly breathe, I felt so relieved. It was better than the burns, much, much better. They were neat, straight lines. So much easier to control. After you found out, it became an everyday battle to not do it again. And, of course, it was a battle I always lost. But, when Victoria told the counsler on me, I had to stop. She said she wouldn't tell my parents if I stopped. I got checked, bi-weekly. And, after a while, she stopped checking. She trusted I had stopped for good. That I would be a good child from then on. She was stupid; didn't she know everything was an every day battle for me?

But when my mom started paying more attention towards me, started giving me compliments, I started to feel worth something. I tried to get Rosalie and Bella to think positively, they were my best friends by then, and I was trying to get them out of their negative mindset. It killed me every time they made negative comments on their bodies.

But then, one day, I just freaked out. Every where I looked, I saw pain. Self destruction. Everything was calling out to me. I was merely seventeen, and I almost took my life. The only thing that stopped me, was the thought of Bella, and how that would kill her. So I didn't. But when I thought I'd lost her, I almost lost it. I couldn't breathe. I didn't feel numb, no, but I just- It broke me. I couldn't believe, that after everything we'd been through, that she would leave me, just like that. I figured I had it coming, but I didn't expect her to do it… Now. But then we realized it had been a big misunderstanding. I was so, fucking, relieved. I wouldn't have to go on living, without my sunshine.

We decided we would move to California. Where the sun was always shining. Where we'd find a couple of Californian boys. Where we wouldn't give a fuck. We'd smoke and party and have an amazing time. Everything would be alright. So, as I count my days 'til graduation, fighting the urge every day, it seemed, as it started to spark up again, I reminded myself. Just wait, Angela. Wait for California. Wait for happiness. Wait for escape. Wait for relief. Wait for beaches. I reminded myself, that it would be okay, I would be okay. All was not lost, all was just taking the longer route.

So I would wait. Wait for California. Wait with my Sunshine, darling Bella.

We would be okay. We just had to wait.


End file.
